... Yesterday was horrible.
I knew he would grab my hand like that, but I just couldn't hold it back.
Since I loved him, I had always wanted him to hold my hand, to look at me with those gentle eyes.
To embrace me tenderly regardless of what happened.
... But I called him something nasty. A pedophile, even.
I feel so embarrassed, and guilty at the same time.
He trusted and protected me, and yet I didn't know my own place.
He probably sees me as a younger cousin, who will always be a little girl in his eyes.
'You have your own charms but you're not exactly sexy'? He sees nothing in me at all.
Men like him should be ignored, thrown away, forgotten. There's plenty of other fish in the sea.
... But... Will any of them have the same qualities as him?
...
I feel so awful calling him a pedophile.
It almost feels like I've trampled all over him.
He probably thinks I'm selfish.
He probably doesn't want to see me ever again...
... I don't want that. He's special.
He's the only person to have understood me, to have accepted me for who I am. He sees me as an equal.
That's why I will always wear my heart on my sleeve before him from now on. This is his medal for seeing through me, and I'm going to make him feel special to me too.
Also, when I'm next to him... My heart beats really fast, and I get all self-conscious.
I know this strange feeling isn't just me being over-possessive.
I know that because I was over-possessive with Fifi, but with him, it's... different.
I want him to be happy, but it's confusing. It hurts. It hurts so bad.
... I feel like the barrier between us is his v.vizard powers.
Yet, at the same time, he's told nobody else that he's a v.vizard, so ironically, his v.vizard powers is the only link between me and him seeing me as a woman.
... How can I simply take his happiness away for my own selfish desires?
Yet, how can I withstand the pain of not being with him?
That's why, God, I have a request for you.
Please. Just for today...
... Let me be by his side and grant me the courage to talk it through with him.
*** ***
I've never noticed, but his house... The door faces the sun.
That's pleasant. It's like saying "Good morning!" to the world whenever he leaves house for work.
... I came to his house, after all.
It's my fault yesterday. I ruined his faith in me, so I have to repair it myself.
Bak bak! His cute little Malady door hammer clicked adorably.
The door opened, and behind the gate was him, smudged in grease, wearing an undershirt stained with motor oil and a pair of old, colour-faded boxers.
"H-Homei?"
My heart started tensing up again. My throat feels slightly sore...
"Are you going to stare or are you going to let me in?"
... Why can't I say that gently? Why do I tense up so much with him? Why is my throat so sore right now?
"Oh, uh, sorry."
I can't even cough a word out, let alone a snideful remark over his attire... I guess I just can't do this...
How many times have I just walked into his house without even presenting a proper Hello? I lost count...
"Ah, Homei, don't walk into the house with your shoes on!"
How many times have I inhaled this odour of his sweat and grease? It's disgusting, yet it smells ever so lovely...
"H-Homei! Not the living room! I just cleaned that!"
How many times have I rested on this couch, breathing in this stench, while dozing off to sleep with him sitting next to me, watching television?
"Ah! Ahh!!! Don't sleep with your shoes on! Geh- ... Oh my lord..."
I feel really tired all of a sudden. I want to talk to him, but I dare not utter a single word out...
... I just want to sleep on this couch with our scent and only our scent.
*** ***
... ?
... It's warm...
My pillow is really soft, smooth and warm- ! It's a lap pillow!!!
I'm sleeping on his lap! I... I've been give the lap pillow service!
This has never happened before... Usually I would wake up with the first thing I see being the television, and then I'd see Vance eating some sort of food, drinking water from that teapot directly, or fiddling with some gadget or junk.
... He's sleeping too... <3
His sleeping face is adorable. He looks so gentle, and fragile.
I wanted to poke his nose, but I didn't want him to wake up.
... His eyeholes making that symmetrical marking on the face, his flat nose, his lips and rugged beard...
... ! Wait, did he see my sleeping face then?
KYAAH!!! That's embarrassing... He probably saw my sleeping face...
To look at me when I'm the most vulnerable, you're the worst, Vance!
...Wait, didn't I just do that exact same thing?
Well, no use worrying about it too much, I guess. I should enjoy this lap pillow service as much as I can.
Oh no! I accidentally snuggled and rubbed my head against his thighs!
"... ? You're awake?"
So much for enjoying the lap pillow...
"Ahh. Just as well. I'm glad you came today, Homei."
? He's glad? Did he catch on my motive already?
"I have something important to discuss with you. Regarding yesterday."
As expected of Vance, he's really good at reading the thought patterns of others.
"Let's begin from my end, then. I wouldn't want to push you when you're unprepared. I'll give you time to consolidate what you want to say to me."
As usual, he has no problem making me feel comfortable.
He makes me feel cozy, yet anxious at the same time. That's something I found out to be weird whenever I'm with him.
"I have always viewed you as a woman, Homei. Up until last night."
That's a direct hit! That makes me happy and guilty at the same time!
"When you called me a pedophile, did you not trust me? Or have you been toying with my feelings all the long?"
No, NO, NO!!! I didn't really mean it! I just... I just...!!
"I just felt like you didn't feel anything for me. I've stuck to you for so long, for all this time. But you don't return my feelings, so, so I just felt like I've wasted 10 years of my life. That's... That's the only reason why I..."
My throat starts choking. I have to say these words, but my throat is choking the words coming out of my mouth. It's so hard to cough them out, I just feel like stopping. But ending it here would make me look weak, I have to speak!
"I get it."
!? He... He gets it?
"...Homei, listen. I can like a lot of people, I can show and spread the love. But you have something I cannot simply give."
I... I do?
"You have my trust. I don't trust a lot of people, because they like to mess up my inventory, and they lie a lot. But you, Homei, have earned my trust. I feel comfortable with you watching my back. Don't you think that's more important than just simply liking or loving somebody?"
"... I trust you too, Vance. I love you and I trust you too."
He smiled! He flashed a smile!
"Good. Then, let's leave yesterday's things behind us, shall we?"
I'm so happy! He forgave me! I was so worried he wouldn't but he forgave me! <3 I really want to hug him right now...
... Wait, who're the others he has put his trust on?
"Then, Vance, give me a list of people who you trust?"
He stared at me, surprised? Surely he must know that he shouldn't hide anything from me?
"Why would you want to know that?"
"Because I want to learn to trust the people you trust."
He's scratching his head? Does that mean he's hiding something?
"Well, I trust only a handful of people. I trust you, I trust Butch, the convenience store clerk downstairs, Sue, my neighbour Beni Danielle, the little twerp and his father upstairs, and uh... That's about it- ... H-H-Homei?"
Sue, huh... So, he had a woman behind my back...
"Who's Sue?"
"Sue's my colleague! Surely you've met h-HYUGH!"
I can't believe you hid another woman behind my back without telling me! Were you afraid of having two women fight over you!? I could have negotiated terms with her, damnit! You deserve more than just a punch to your gut!
*** ***
I'm guilty.
When I heard Sue, I thought he meant a female colleague. It's a pretty common name after all.
Had he said Soo Choi Jong from the beginning, I wouldn't have hit him so many times...
"Had you just said Soo Choi Jong from the beginning, I wouldn't have hit you so many times."
"'So many times'!? YOU WERE STILL GOING TO HIT ME!?"
... I'm sorry, Vance, i didn't really mean to hurt you, I just... I just don't like being left in the dark.
"Ahh, whatever. I can understand, since not being told about anything does infuriate me too."
... <3 Vance, I love you so much. You get what I'm thinking naturally. I'm glad you're my cousin and that I have so many opportunities to tease and love you.
"So, Homei, are you planning on anything later? Because I'd like to get back to tinkering this heavy-duty flashlight and this cooler box, so unless you don't mind my sweat and grease and all of that... Well..."
"I don't mind. You look cooler when you're working hard."
"..."
He looks pretty busy and engrossed with tinkering...
"Please swear upon me everlasting love then."
Wha-!? He- !!! He's not serious, is he!? Or maybe he is? Maybe he wants to test my love for him?
"I... I swear to love you and only you for as long as I live."
"Ah? HAH!?! WHAT DID I- WHAT ARE YOU- OH MY LORD, I UH, I SAID NOTHING! NOTHING AT ALL!!!"
... Vance is so cute when he's this distressed...
"DIS-DISREGARD WHATEVER I SAID, HOMEI! PLEASE! THOSE WERE WORDS NOT MEANT FOR HUMAN EARS!!!"
"I'll remember your love for me for ever and ever."
"..."
He's staring at me blankly... ?
"I'm going to be super-tsun to everyone else, and show only my tsundere side to you, Vance!"
Wha-!? WHA-!?! I was dere to him!?!... Was he impersonating me!? You bastard...
"Don't impersonate me... !"
I gave Vance a pretty powerful elbow jab to his mouth. I just hope he's not hurt severely or anything...
... ?
Ah... He's back to that serene, delicate and gentle sleeping face.
... ! I just noticed... If he's a v.vizard, that means he probably hasn't had his first kiss, has he... ?
Never dated anyone... Never held hands with anyone... And probably... Probably... never kissed anyone...
... Should I steal one in right now? He's knocked out cold...
I really don't want to, though. The kiss is a holy mark for those of mutual feelings to perform.
... But he did say that his neighbour was Beni Danielle...
If I don't take his first kiss now, she might seduce him to.
I'm going in...
... I can feel his breathing on my philtrum... I'm so close to him...
It stinks of motor oil and grease, but his breath is really clean and refreshing.
It doesn't have the stench of garlic, onion, strong-smelling foods... His breath smells fresher even than my own...
His breath is clean enough to make cologne...
... I JUST CAN'T DO IT!!!
I can't just kiss him without him feeling the same as I do. That's wrong. That's just wrong.
There... is nothing left I can do here.
All the chances were screwed up...
I wanted to give him a hug when he opened the door, but he was all greasy and smelly.
I wanted to give him a surprise peck when he woke up while I was pretending to be asleep on his lap...
I should have given him a big koala hug when we cleared the air amongst us, so why did I hold myself back!?
... I can't support him the way he supports me... This is the worst.
The only thing I've managed to achieve was attacking him. And that's not even pleasurable to begin with.
I don't want to stay here any longer than i don't have to.
I'll have to try again another day.
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